The Hairless Human is CRAZY!

The hairless human is out of control - she never stops moving and jumping on me. And I'm the one that gets hollered at by my ungrateful parents...life is so hard when you're a sweet, little bully. The hairless human has a non-moving animal that makes really funny sounds...I tried to play with it, but Mom pushed me away. Lame.

Last night my Mom decided it would be fun if the little beast sat on my back. She thought it was hilarious and giggled the whole time...I just had to sit there like I really enjoyed it. Whatever...wankers.

 

Who knows what tonight will bring...maybe they'll let me jump into the bathtub with the hairless human. She stinks worse than I do sometimes...

-Tank OUT

I have a bad feeling...

...about the hairless human. Sure, she's "cute" according to my Mom. But then again, she used to say I was cute too. Look where that got me...stuck in a kennel all day and being groped by the hairless human at night. She's really on the move and as soon as she sees me plop down on the ground, she comes in for the attack. The attack usually involves some pounding and squealing. I think she's excited, but she just squeaks and squawks at me. There's also some head-butting. So uncool.
 

On a happier note, Mom has been taking me for walks every night, but she insists on bringing that giant rolling contraption with the hairless human in it. It's the only time of day she's quiet. It's AWESOME!

 

I'm going back to sleep now...

-Tank OUT

The Hairless Human Strikes Again

The hairless human is walking on all fours like me now...well, almost. She can walk on all fours backward, but she hops like a frog frontward. And now she thinks it's funny to head-butt me and grab my collar tags...you know, those ones that keep bringing me back to these ungrateful parents. Here's a video of her thinking it's really funny.

-Tank OUT

Well, it's official...

...the hairless human is now my permanent sibling. For the last six months I've tried really hard to NOT like her, but it's impossible. She smiles at me, pulls on my ears, and ALWAYS smiles at me. My Mom says we're going to be BFF's...whatever that means. The first time she said it, I thought she meant that I was going to get some beef to eat, but that never happened. Beef sounds good...or maybe some cheese? Speaking of, they've been holding out on the cheese lately. I only get it if I have a bully tremor, which isn't really fun. Sometimes I get peanut butter too...yum, food.

Oh, back to the hairless human. My parents came home today all happy and smiling - apparently it was a big deal. Whatever - if it was such a big deal, why didn't I get to go.

Here's a photo of my handsome mug and the hairless human - I think she's trying to eat my toys. I saw her gnawing on one of my bones the other day. Silly kid. Maybe she'll share her toys one of these days...or food. Yeah, food.

 

-Tank OUT

I'm sexy and I know it

I've been waiting for the opportunity to show off how sexy I am, but my Mom is too busy taking photos of that hairless human. I mean, seriously...my face could be on the cover of a magazine. Check it out, Aunt Sarah took this photo the other day and I'm pretty sure I'm considered a sexy beast. My Mom and the hairless human, not so much.

 

Mom told me I was such a good boy for posing in the photo, then she locked me in the house for six hours. I don't see them locking that little hairless squawker up in the house?! What has happened to my household? I'd like to learn to text like that genius bully of "Texts From Dog", then I could torture my parents ALL DAY LONG.

On another note, does the hairless human look like she wants to eat me? Not cool, I'd better watch my back.

-Tank OUT

Second Fiddle

Seriously, my parents kinda suck. Ever since the hairless human arrived, I've been relegated to the backyard, the kennel, the corner, you name it...I've been stuck there. The other day, Mom left me in the backyard when she went to a softball game. Lucky for me, the gate was left open and I tried to flee. But, I only made it a couple blocks before I got tired, and I kind of missed the hairless human. I have to admit, she's really cute and she's always smiling. What is that about?

After my little jaunt, I went back to the house and rested under a rig in the driveway. My Mom was really happy to see me when she got home. I got lots of love that day!

My latest trick is standing by the door politely requesting to go outside to go potty, then I take off...I like it because strangers find me and tell me how cute I am. But then they call my Mom and Dad (apparently they tagged me, so I wouldn't get lost) to come get me. If I was a little faster, I could get further than a block away...  Last night these really nice people found me and told me they were sorry that I was lonely because of my new sister. I was hoping they'd take me home with them, but they called Mom instead. Boo.

I guess she's kind of cute...for a hairless human. Her bum smells delicious sometimes...

I guess I'll just have to wait until the hairless human can chase me around in a few years...that might be fun. Until then, I'll just hang out sunbathing.

-Tank OUT

Aunt Sarah is so mean!

She's like a drill sergeant! My parents took the hairless human to AZ to see Grandma & Grandpa. This is what I'm dealing with.

I was finally getting a good night's sleep because "the truth is" that new baby wakes up all through the night!! Then Aunt Sarah came crashing through the door yelling my name, making me get up from my super soft blanket on my human's couch and made me go on a long walk! What is she crazy?!? Does she really think I want a morning run? Before breakfast even? Geez, I'm not training for an agility training competition! At least my big cousin came along with me. He moves so fast! His legs are a lot longer and he could even jump into a river without drowning. I look up to that big yellow dummy! I was so annoyed with Aunt Sarah for ruining my sleeping in schedule that I pooped as far away as I could from her. That way she had to walk across the snowy field in her bright pink spring shoes. Serves her right for making me workout!! (Insert my evil laugh here) Then just to be a stubborn ass when we came back from our run I went and laid under your car so she couldn't make me come back in the house. Now I'm basking in the sun working on my tan. Hopefully the sun will give me more wrinkles because the chicks dig my wrinkles!

-Tank OUT

Hairless Humans

Well...they did it. My parents brought home a hairless human. Last week, out of the blue, they went away for the night and came back with a little puppy that squeaks and produces relish smelling diapers. I think it's a she, because they keep asking me if I like my little sister. I'm not sure I like having her here though, because I have to sleep on the floor and I don't get to go to the park very often. Lame. I think she's only on loan, so she might not be here forever... I guess I'll protect her while she's here - she's pretty cute and I think she likes to snuggle.

They totally ditched me this week to go take pictures of her...check them out here: http://relicphotographicblog.com/

-Tank OUT

It's Almost Spring!

I can't wait for spring - I'm sick of having frozen paws on our walks. Yesterday, was beautiful outside and Mom thought it was really fun to throw the tennis ball down the street for me. I ran after it, but couldn't stand to pick it up because my flat smooshed gorgeous face would scrape the ice. Ouch. And I'm pretty sure the ladies won't dig a scarface...or would they?

Until I can enjoy time outside, I'll have to resort to window sunbathing.



 

All I'm missing is a mankini. Bow-chicka-bow-wow.

 

-Tank - OUT



Blue Steel

My parents made me pose for some photos tonight and I decided to cooperate. I know that's not really in my nature, but I figured if I was good I would get some treats. Score! This is my "Blue Steel" pose:

 

How do I look? Tough? I'm just being patient until I can eat those little munchkin shoes...they look delicious.

I'm Going to Be a Big Brother

Dudes, I'm going to be a big brother. My parents are trying to adopt some hairless little humans to bring home. Doesn't that sound ridiculously funny? I almost had a sibling yesterday, but my parents didn't come home with one...so maybe next time. I was kind of pissed that they left me alone - again...so I balled up the rug by the back door so they couldn't get the door open.

Score: Tank - 1 | Humans - 0

At any rate, they're afraid that I'm going to be a jealous little bully...apparently they think I'm spoiled. Say what? But here are some photos of me being super nice to little humans. This is my buddy, Brodie. He says that I'm his #1 BFF. I'm cool with that.

 

My Mom took these photos and she thinks they're soooo cute. Whatever, I'm super manly.

 

 

This is my buddy, Christian...he's Brodie's big brother. Christian has lots of energy and I try to keep up, but my Mom is always slapping me and saying "no jumping!". Whatever...I'm just a pup saying a little hello.
 

 

Here's another photo of me dressed up...with my cousin, Katalina Javelina. You can tell that she's related to my Mom because she has me dressed like a freaking girl. Come on, people!
 

 

Okay, she's kind of sweet...I guess.
 

 

This is Maris, I'm pretty sure she thinks that I'm the cutest thing. 





 

Kamryn totally digs me...how can you resist my delightful face?

 

I'll let you know when my parents bring home a sibling...I'm sure I will be forgotten in the chaos. So, I'll just be over in my pee corner, typing away on my blog. Until then, I'm going to hang out with some more hotties.

-Tank OUT

Happy Birthday, Aunt Sarah!

It's my Aunt Sarah's birthday today...she's OLD. At least that's what my Mom says. Here is a video of her trying to teach me to sit like my cousin, Peyton. I'm a wee little bully here, but I was trying. Thanks for loving me, even though I'm a spoiled pup. :)

xo,
Tank

Mean Dog Mommy

Seriously, my Mom keeps posting these photos of me sleeping and she claims that I've spent the last three years sleeping? I beg to differ...I'm fairly certain that I wasn't sleeping while she was dressing me in ridiculous outfits? What is this shit?

This is some purple sparkly shit that she was raving about, while making tutu dresses. I'm a dude - not a princess.

Or what about this? Oh, you think Aunt Sarah's pink unicorn wig looks good on me? How's about I go pee on your laundry?

 

Your sunglasses and scarf on me...oh, so funny!? Let me return the favor by eating them. Does that make you laugh? Didn't think so, Mom!



 



I think she may have sent this out as an Easter card. Pink. Flipping. Bunny. Ears. Super mean, right?

And Christmas-time? Torture, pure torture!

Okay...I may have been sleeping in one instance, but that doesn't give her the right to dress me up! And she wonders why I eat her shoes and pee on her clothes. Sheesh.

Of course, there is one outfit I like. My girlfriend, Lisa, from across the street made me this awesome sweater for winter walking. She even cut out a pee-hole for me. At least she likes me - she even takes me walking while my lame parents are at work.

Thanks, Lisa!!

Fat Dog In A Little Bin...

I shouldn't really call him fat...he's more husky. A husky bulldog - that's rich. The last trip to the vet elicited a "he could stand to lose a few pounds" comment. Apparently 69# and less than a foot tall is a little undesirable. He's short, but he sure is chubby? The funny thing about Tank and his girth, is that he really wants to be in compact spaces. I'm not sure if it's a bully thing and he feels secure...or maybe he doesn't realize that he's that big? He does act like he's a lap dog too...so, maybe?

Here's Tank in the first month we had him...tiny, right. He barely takes up any of the bed. And those wrinkles...do delicious!

Laundry basket...full of clothing. Hold on, let me pee on the laundry, then sleep on it. Yep, he's asleep - sitting up in the laundry basket.

And again...right after a grooming session.

 

Tote full of clothing headed to the basement for storage...hold on, let me pee on this too! Oh, wait...I'm so tired again. 1, 2, 3...out.

Happy Hump Day!

 

Tank Shaming

I get a real kick out of the "dog shaming" photos shared everywhere. Some of them are completely awesome...unless they happen to you, then not so much. Tank does a lot of adorable things, but sometimes they're overshadowed by superbly annoying things. In early puppy-dom, he chewed up two pairs of Danskos, six pairs of heels, and the top of my favorite Anthro boots. The funny thing, is that before Tank, I would've been so irritated by a dog eating my shoes. After Tank, I'm like "oh, shoot...bummer". My family thinks that maybe I might be on "the crack", but apparently Tank can do no wrong. Baloney...if Tanker had a shaming sign, it would look something like this:

No shit...everything. Pillows, dirty laundry, dog beds, blankets, every piece of furniture in the house, on the carpet behind the door, and on top of Mommy while she's sleeping. Yes, that just happened. Here's a "oh, so humble" photo of Tank after he peed on the bed and Mommy had to clean it...and try to dry it out before bedtime. Doesn't he look sorry?

I'm pretty sure I wasn't that mad, mostly just irritated. Especially when he pulls the "hold my hand, I'm sorry" stuff...

As I'm looking through photos of Tanker, I see way too many "oh shit, Tank peed on this" photos. Am I a big, sappy Mom with no discipline? Probably. Hmm...wonder if this is proper training for an actual child?

 

Welcome to Tank's Blog

This is Tank's Mom and I find myself constantly posting photos of Tank (aka Tanker) on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, etc. I'm certain that I've become "that dog owner" that thinks they have the greatest dog EVER! So...I thought I'd just start Tank his own blog. Maybe I can limit the craziness to this blog? We'll see how that works! We purchased Tank from a breeder in the Mat-Su Valley in 2010. I was anti-animal and my husband has always been pro-animal. Life works in some funny ways and after a few weeks of el husbando discussing the wonders of these dogs - I agreed to an english bulldog,

I was playing in a softball tournament the day Tank was to be picked up (yep, I got to choose a name before we got him). Er...actually Tank chose my husband. He was originally called "Little Heart" because of the shape of the brindle on his bum. He was the only pup that kept sleeping when my husband arrived...then he lazily got up and sauntered over to him. They were instantly in love...and Tank has spent the better part of three years sleeping. :)

Here are a couple snapshots of our first day with the eight week old pup that has changed our lives. See...he couldn't even stay awake then!

Stay tuned for the adventures of Tank...I'm sure you'll be entertained! xo